"What If?"

I am a bit superstitious...

I think things happen for a reason. ..

I don't know why I think this...

I could reflect upon it and tell you,

I have many reasons for believing this way... but it would be quite lengthy. 

So, let me spare you the "why"

and how about...just take my word for it!!!

So...when I didn't get picked for the NYC lottery...my mind started to wonder...

"What If?"

I know darn good and well,
(as do many of you that have read my posts and given me constant support and advice),
that

 I

 AM

NOT

 READY

TO

RUN...

PERIOD!

at least a marathon that is...or a half, or a 10K...

I could probably pull out a 5K...but "officially" I can't...Hell, I've not even been "cleared" to run by my surgeon, PT etc...and when I've tried, it has caused me pain and discomfort.  So, what was I thinking? 

When one sets goals, they do so thinking ahead. 
I have always needed something to
 strive for,
plan for,
reach for,
dream about...

I set  goals. 

I don't necessarily talk about them.

share them...

 or advertise them...

but this time I did...
right here...

I put it out there!

Why? 
 Well...many reasons...and again, I won't go on with this post, maybe another...
because now I'm superstitious...

As you know, I was suppose to be "better" by around the 6 month mark...some recover even sooner, I get that everyone's body is different!  I underwent surgery on August 29th 2012...have been going to physical therapy two times a week faithfully, and a few bouts of ART therapy...and it has been well over 8 months! 

I have yet to feel no pain. 

Now, let me explain to you the pain...

IT IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE PAIN I WAS HAVING BEFORE SURGERY...

THAT WAS BORDERLINE CRIPPLING! 

SO, I AM NOT COMPLAINING...

 

I'm just confused and worried! 

worried about the ,"what if?"

For a few months now...my PT has been a bit confused by my lack of progress, concerned with my inability to do certain things, my frequent pain, my decrease in strength, my akward compensation, and quite frankly he thinks,

" something just ain't right!" 

He has been wanting more images, more answers, something to explain or "show" why I am not healing fast and strong! 

Yes, I have had hip flexor tendinitis...common with this surgery and LINGERS...

Yes, I have had and continue to have trouble with my psoas...

Yea, I have trouble with my SI joint and it continues to cause me problems...

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with my PT after my latest appointment with my surgeon. 
 He was unhappy with the fact that they ruled it as a psoas problem,
more scripts and come back in a few...
he was annoyed that they didn't, nor did I, ask for...
an x-ray...
or mri...
to rule out the obvious...

My PT talked about  reading up and researching problems or side effects resulting from hip surgeries. 
 He spoke about an "H.O. calcification " factor which can be common with hip patients after surgery...

I quietly panicked!
because I remembered...

I remember discussing this with my surgeon's head nurse before surgery. 

Immediately following surgery for the first 7 seven days or so, you must take a medication called INDOCIN...

It prevents this HO. calcification growth. 

 It is almost like a scar tissue type "bone" that can grow, and once it does it can grow very rapidly and cause many problems. 

 I took this medicine...

but I was sick for days...

very, very sick!!! 

I had an xray after my 6 week check-up and all looked well...

but that was 6 1/2 months ago...

I have had no images taken since. 

so, when I didn't "get in" the NYC marathon lottery...

I

 let go! 

I gave in!

ther MUST BE  A GOOD REASON why I wasn't chosen...

other than the obvious. ..

I told my PT I was ready to ask my surgeon for another MRI to see what's up because I am still no better than I was months back...

not much has really changed...
I am taking steps backward rather than moving forward...

an "Epiphany" he called it?

  iI don't know...but he gladly made the call for me...

and now I wait!

and by waiting I mean until June 29th...Not until my next appt with him...

he wants it done there in his care which I get...
but WHY THE WAIT? 
WHY NOT NOW?

What if it didn't show up on the first x-ray after surgery?

What if I started to grow for some reason afterward?

what if it was because I was so sick after surgery

for days I just kept vomiting...

I couldn't keep the medicine down...

what if this H.O. calcification is growing?

what if??

Now...My surgeon is one of the best medical doctors for this injury in this part of the country...

I can say that he has operated on the very best professional athletes in New York, and that this is the only surgery he performs...

I can say that he personally studied under Dr. mark Phillipon who was the first to attempt such a hip surgery arthroscopically... 

I  can say that he is the Co- Director of the Hip Pain and Preservation Center at The Hospital for Special Surgery in NYC...

I can say that I feel very lucky to be under his care and he and his staff are very approachable...

I can say that I have seen him more times in one month than my husband saw or spoke to his surgeon for his shoulder surgery in 4 months...

I can say that he doesn't take any patient lightly and his protocol for following up is amazing...

I can say that I have had "call back" appts when he has personally called me to "check in" on my progress and protocol...  

I can say  I have seen his personal PT's every time I go into the city for any appt, and they have been in contact with mine out on the island...

but let it be known AND understood...

It is the one I see on a weekly basis that I trust the most..
and the one I look to first for advice and support!

But what if????? 

What if this is happening?
 causing my pain?

or lack of progression?

What if he has to "go back in?

 The only way to fix this situation is to "go back in"...(or possibly radiation)

 statistically...this has happened I believe only once or twice in his career...

but, those who know me well...know that statistics have never been in my favor...

WHAT IF I OFFICIALLY
MAKE IT THE THIRD TIME
THIS HAS HAPPENED? 

what if?

Do you ever have a feeling that something just ain't right? 

Do you ever wish you had trusted someone else's gut? 

Do you ever wonder if things really happen for a reason? 

And if so...WHY?

Do you ever wonder..."why me?"

 

"My Old Kentucky Home"

I have had a few people concerned that possibly something has happened to me...

Another injury...(wouldn't that be fun?)

A sickness...(only in my head)

Family crisis...(the deer ate all my hostas and hydrangeas already!!)

Mental breakdown...(quite possibly)?? 

All I can say is that ever since I left for Spring vacation to Kentucky with my family in tow...I have been OBSESSED with a "few books"...

a trilogy I guess I'd say...

 Just can't put them down...

they are keeping me up all night, literally...

but, I won't digress...

It's such a GREY area...(ahem!)

totally...completely totally...another post!!!
Trust Me!

Anyway...vacation...yes, vacation. 

 I and the boys left for my home state for a lovely 10 days for Spring/Easter vacation.  I had not been home in quite awhile...so I was in desperate need of some bluegrass, bourbon, barbecue, basketball and horses!  yes, horses...folks were starting to get ready for the Kentucky Derby so it is just such an amazing time of year to be in such a beautiful part of the country.

what I love most about where I'm from is how diverse the landscape is...
From the Eastern mountains, Appalachians, coal mines...

through beautiful horse country...

to the big city of Louisville along the riverfront and outstretched suburban/country lands...

to the rural areas of Western Kentucky where the tobacco,soybeans,corn and other things grow.  such diversity...

such beauty, and

I

miss

it!!

Recap...

tried to run a bit, because that is what I do when i go home.  I have the pleasure of living, (or used to that is) on a beautiful quiet secluded private road on 6 acres.   My boys love to go because they have the open freedom to play war, manhunt, ride bikes, fish in the ponds, hike through the woods, feed the horses, ride their electric scooters, cars, mowers... anywhere they want...

Its a boys DREAM!!

Check it out...

And what do I do??? 

I run, listen, observe, feel the sun, mellow, reminisce, reacquaint and read!  Spending time with my Dad,(mom passed away about 8 years ago from cancer) is the Highlight of my time down there.   I miss him dearly!



Mom and I summer 2003...



My dad...

OK...back to Running...

I ran about 5 times.

 I have the mileage and the times listed below for anybody that would like to analyze them.  Please, feel free...give me your feedback, chuckle, mock or yell at me for doing it because I was hard of hearing down there and forgot I wasn't suppose to run...oops...shhh!!

4/8     2.31 miles      20:06   avg.pace   8:43 per mile

4/9     3.01 miles      26.56   avg. pace  8:57 per mile

4/11   3.00 miles      26.56   avg. pace  8:57 per mile

4/13   3.01 miles      26.19  avg. pace   8:45 per mile

4/15   2.30 miles      20.32   avg pace   8:55 per mile

With that in mind, just know that I was still am in quite a bit of pain...had to stop numerous times to recover (cardiovascular i STINK...and stopped my garmin to hyperventilate which is so, so, so, so wrong...oh well...) and I felt completely awkward!  I have absolutely, in my opinion, no spring in my step or natural cadence.  I feel heavy and weak on my right side, and cannot keep from pounding or jarring. 


Our road is private, so from the driveway  to one end, back to the other end, then back to the driveway again is approx 1.5 miles.  This is what part of the road looks like.

I really enjoyed it, but then didn't at the same time.  Running isn't feeling good, and I'm not feeling good about running.  I'm actually not feeling good about much. and, with the weather getting warmer and seeing everybody on the road...my mood is altered.  But, I am strong...and I am patient...and the end result will be well worth the wait!

In the meantime, I am going to continue doing what I am doing with PT, and I think I may venture back into the gym a couple days a week.  I just returned from visiting the really cool gym I belong to and spoke with the owners, they are really amazingly supportive individuals that truly care about your well-being...I am very lucky as they have checked up on me since my surgery...and before.  and...hopefully I will have some positive recovery news here shortly.

Until then, I will continue to read your blogs for inspiration and motivation, and keep my head up high and BE PATIENT...

at least until June when my first spring tri is scheduled...

do I bag it...or just go for it? 

Decisions, decisions...

I guess I should probably purchase a bike???

A few  more pics to leave you with...

a Kentucky Easter Morning...

Brady counting Tanner's eggs...

Cooper always in the lead...with a smile in his face...

Tanner spraying water at anyone who gets an egg before him..

Sorting their eggs...and trading candy!

Tanner won the jackpot...

Boys, clearly not happy Tanner won the jackpot...Yikes!

clearly we forgot to pack church clothes for Tanner...oops!

My so serious husband...

Two can play at this...

Now who's laughing...

HAPPY EASTER!!!

Laters Baby~

"Psoas" you were saying...

I have been a bit absent lately...

I really haven't posted anything " running" wise in quite a while. 

birthday posts,

pictures,

some reflective posts...

but as far as running...

recovering...

not so much!

Okay...so, I have been a bit, um...bummed I guess you can say.  I have found myself only reading other blogs, and not really having the time, the energy or the gumption to write on my own.  I find myself at times reaching out to those who feel like me...frustrated too...with being injured and not participating in what we love and need to do.  Not the most healthy thing to do, but...


I have many other was of describing my mood, but quite frankly...does anyone really care?  I would think deep down not!  To keep it real, we all have our issues...we all have our injuries...and we all have our ways of dealing with them.  and I have been quiet...that's my way!

I have been a bit "blogless' lately because...seriously...

how can you write an entry when you have

nothing

to

share,

period...

or at least that is how is seems..."in the running world" that is...

no run to talk about...

no vlog to watch or laugh at...

no issues to question...

problems to seek advice to...

no "time" to get you pumped, or reflect upon, or get pissed at...

no great nothing...

I was waiting!

I was all ready to write about "my day" last  Friday!  I was anxious to share with everyone how I had finally "overcome" recovery and was able to begin my "running" journey again.  Excited to get back on the road..."back on track...

I had been strong...

i had been patient...

 i had been diligent...

 i had been positive...

 I had been trusting...

at least, I thought I had been...

I was so excited to run just a mile and lose my breath...huff and puff and feel so exhilerated by it.  So ready to accept all kinds of advice, tips and stories from those who inspire me and keep me driven...which is all of you out there reading this btw..so thrilled to feel athletic, strong and confident in myself...finally once again!


So satisfied with my attitude of  recovering from a HUGE setback...for me at least...and find out that I could be...and am stronger in the end!

I mean, don't you stop for red...
wait patiently during yellow...
and then race through  green and not look back?

What happened to my green light?

I'm not saying that I wasn't aware of pain still existing...or issues still unresolved.  I just figured that it may just be my body, or my mind creating it...and once on the road again and sore muscles worked through...and body and mind back in the game, I would forget about the pain, and issues...and all would be back to "normal"

I'm just saying...

So, when I walked into my 7 month post-op on march 16th, 2012 at exactly 1:50 in the afternoon...what I wasn't expecting was...

No, not yet...

I don't think that would be a good idea... 

let's work on this and that...

come back to see me in 3 months rather than the typical 6 at this point to re-evaluate. 

some people just run into more issues along the way...

you have some unique things happening in your body that isn't allowing recovery to happen at the normal rate...

if there are still problems, we'll take more images, a possibility of an injection to calm it...

we really don't want to have to go back in and "release" the psoas...

that will cause long term weakness, and we don't want that!

The psoas? Really?

trust me...wear more clothes...

Don't be fooled...they go deeper...and lower...
 into your WOMANHOOD!!!

This mf is keeping me from what i really, really, need want to do right now? 

What I desire for my sanity at this point?

where is my release?

For any of you out there who may wonder if I am/or am not this super runner...let me clarify something, or better yet ask a question. 

Does it really matter? 

Will it define me as a person, runner, teacher, wife, mother???  No!  Of course not.  But what it will do is create a sense of calmness that I have been patiently waiting for...
provide me an outlet no one can understand but the ones reading this post right now...
or encouragement that nothing...nothing...ever, ever will get in the way of keeping me down, 
make me submiss, 
or surrender to weakness.

I

am

not

weak...

But,  I am disappointed. 

And that's all...just disappointed. 

not pissed,

not aggravated...

not defeated...

just plain ole disappointed.

and life will

go

on...

I will continue PT...I will continue to listen...

I will continue to read your blogs for inspiration and motivation and reprieve...

but...in my opinion right now...

or"psoas I  was saying"...

HIPS

SUCK! 

and yes, Beth...injuries should, and are in my book ...

a four letter word!!!

Has anyone ever had additional difficulties arise from surgical procedures?

How do you handle the disappointment or frustration that comes along with it? 

So, who out there besides me handles this with consuming large quantities or amounts of dark chocolate and red wine??

Sunday Silence...

My children can talk to the animals...

Tanner feeding a Downy Woodpecker...
Elizabeth Morton Sanctuary in Sag Harbor, Long Island...


for some reason they gravitate to them...

Cooper feeding  a Downy woodpecker...

they must understand their innocence...

feel their compassion...

Brady luring in the chipmunks...

  

sometimes silence is god's greatest gift... 

I watch in amazement...

We stayed quiet and just listened and watched...

  

seagull...

wild turkeys...

hawk...

Peconic Bay...

Cardinal bird...
all the way from Kentucky I'm sure...

A downy woodpecker...

Unfortunately...my boys don't stay silent too long...

Happy 7th Birthday Tanner boy...

I'm thinking that,

you

had

fun...

How do your kids like to celebrate their birthdays???

What do you do as a family that makes it special???

How Would You Vote???

So...Let's Take a Poll.....

Do you go for a Run...Or do you go for a Jog???

Interesting question...one I'm sure that makes a few, or many "start twitching!!!" 

But let's just put things in perspective for a minute...just for a minute...

We strap on our shoes...our very, very expensive shoes...

We wear the right attire...

the best belt...

the most accurate garmin to record our every step, stride, and heel strike...

we have our gels, beans and goos...

headbands, hats, compressions sleeves...

Our buddies, training partners, ipods and gadgets...

we know our plan...how far we need to go, or how fast, or how frequent...

We understand our run...whether our body wants to or not...

we know our capabilities...be it easy...or difficult

But still the question remains...

are we running?  Or are we Jogging?

I think I know the answer...NO DAMMIT I KNOW THE ANSWER... 

 At least, I always thought I did...
when I was healhy,

strong,

fit

and capable...

I knew the answer when I was confident,

competitive,

knowledegable

and swift...

but now??? 

when you've been told your not quite ready...

not 100% stable...

not cleared to run.....yet...

If you only had to just simply lace up a pair of shoes...

Would you dare go out for a short jog?

How do you look at it now?
Is there a difference?

run...or jog?

I'm gonna go with Most votes count...............either way!!