Saturday, May 5, 2012

"What If?"

I am a bit superstitious...
I think things happen for a reason. ..

I don't know why I think this...
I could reflect upon it and tell you,
I have many reasons for believing this way... but it would be quite lengthy. 
So, let me spare you the "why"
and how about...just take my word for it!!!

So...when I didn't get picked for the NYC mind started to wonder...
"What If?"

I know darn good and well,
(as do many of you that have read my posts and given me constant support and advice),

at least a marathon that is...or a half, or a 10K...
I could probably pull out a 5K...but "officially" I can't...Hell, I've not even been "cleared" to run by my surgeon, PT etc...and when I've tried, it has caused me pain and discomfort.  So, what was I thinking? 

When one sets goals, they do so thinking ahead. 
I have always needed something to
 strive for,
plan for,
reach for,
dream about...

I set  goals. 
I don't necessarily talk about them.
share them...
 or advertise them...
but this time I did...
right here...
I put it out there!

 Well...many reasons...and again, I won't go on with this post, maybe another...
because now I'm superstitious...

As you know, I was suppose to be "better" by around the 6 month mark...some recover even sooner, I get that everyone's body is different!  I underwent surgery on August 29th 2012...have been going to physical therapy two times a week faithfully, and a few bouts of ART therapy...and it has been well over 8 months! 

I have yet to feel no pain. 

Now, let me explain to you the pain...


I'm just confused and worried! 
worried about the ,"what if?"

For a few months PT has been a bit confused by my lack of progress, concerned with my inability to do certain things, my frequent pain, my decrease in strength, my akward compensation, and quite frankly he thinks,
" something just ain't right!" 

He has been wanting more images, more answers, something to explain or "show" why I am not healing fast and strong! 

Yes, I have had hip flexor tendinitis...common with this surgery and LINGERS...
Yes, I have had and continue to have trouble with my psoas...
Yea, I have trouble with my SI joint and it continues to cause me problems...

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with my PT after my latest appointment with my surgeon. 
 He was unhappy with the fact that they ruled it as a psoas problem,
more scripts and come back in a few...
he was annoyed that they didn't, nor did I, ask for...
an x-ray...
or mri...
to rule out the obvious...

My PT talked about  reading up and researching problems or side effects resulting from hip surgeries. 
 He spoke about an "H.O. calcification " factor which can be common with hip patients after surgery...
I quietly panicked!
because I remembered...

I remember discussing this with my surgeon's head nurse before surgery. 
Immediately following surgery for the first 7 seven days or so, you must take a medication called INDOCIN...
It prevents this HO. calcification growth. 
 It is almost like a scar tissue type "bone" that can grow, and once it does it can grow very rapidly and cause many problems. 
 I took this medicine...
but I was sick for days...
very, very sick!!! 

I had an xray after my 6 week check-up and all looked well...
but that was 6 1/2 months ago...
I have had no images taken since. 

so, when I didn't "get in" the NYC marathon lottery...
 let go! 

I gave in!

ther MUST BE  A GOOD REASON why I wasn't chosen...
other than the obvious. ..
I told my PT I was ready to ask my surgeon for another MRI to see what's up because I am still no better than I was months back...
not much has really changed...
I am taking steps backward rather than moving forward...
an "Epiphany" he called it?
  iI don't know...but he gladly made the call for me...
and now I wait!
and by waiting I mean until June 29th...Not until my next appt with him...
he wants it done there in his care which I get...

What if it didn't show up on the first x-ray after surgery?
What if I started to grow for some reason afterward?
what if it was because I was so sick after surgery

for days I just kept vomiting...
I couldn't keep the medicine down...
what if this H.O. calcification is growing?
what if??

Now...My surgeon is one of the best medical doctors for this injury in this part of the country...
I can say that he has operated on the very best professional athletes in New York, and that this is the only surgery he performs...
I can say that he personally studied under Dr. mark Phillipon who was the first to attempt such a hip surgery arthroscopically... 
I  can say that he is the Co- Director of the Hip Pain and Preservation Center at The Hospital for Special Surgery in NYC...
I can say that I feel very lucky to be under his care and he and his staff are very approachable...
I can say that I have seen him more times in one month than my husband saw or spoke to his surgeon for his shoulder surgery in 4 months...
I can say that he doesn't take any patient lightly and his protocol for following up is amazing...
I can say that I have had "call back" appts when he has personally called me to "check in" on my progress and protocol...  
I can say  I have seen his personal PT's every time I go into the city for any appt, and they have been in contact with mine out on the island...
but let it be known AND understood...
It is the one I see on a weekly basis that I trust the most..
and the one I look to first for advice and support!

But what if????? 

What if this is happening?
 causing my pain?
or lack of progression?
What if he has to "go back in?

 The only way to fix this situation is to "go back in"...(or possibly radiation)
 statistically...this has happened I believe only once or twice in his career...
but, those who know me well...know that statistics have never been in my favor...


what if?

Do you ever have a feeling that something just ain't right? 
Do you ever wish you had trusted someone else's gut? 
Do you ever wonder if things really happen for a reason? 
And if so...WHY?
Do you ever wonder..."why me?"



  1. Oh I felt so bad reading this. You are going a bit crazy, understandably.

    When you have major health issue your well-being is at the mercy of what ails you. When I had my first squamous cell skin cancer I was super worried and upset. Eventually, I realized docs are all about equivocation (i.e. waffling so they can't be blamed) and that you have to just take a deep breath and figure things out for yourself.

    I think you do need to be more proactive to get the stuff done (Xray MRI) that lets these guys figure out how to get you moving forward. You need to take charge and make them help a pest!

    It's a drag dealing with all this Dr stuff. You waste tons of time dealing with their schedules etc. YOU do the waiting. But you do need their input.

    You WILL get better.

    But you need to push these find out why things aren't going better sooner. Don't fantasize about the stuff you think you did wrong. It's a waste of time. You need to find out the reality of what is going on.

    Don't sign up for a race yet. Get back to health first. Spend your energy bugging the hell out of your Dr.

  2. Oh, goodness. Hug and prayers, hugs and prayers coming your way!!! The squeaky wheel gets the oil - keep asking!!!

  3. Sorry it's taking so long to heal. I would love to hear it when you post about running pain free.

    My hip has been doing fine. I have been running on it hard with 3 races in April and one PR, with no regression. When it comes down to it, it still feels different than before the injury. Maybe there's some scar tissue that may never go away. Hopefully your worries are nothing. Stay positive.

  4. Ahem...I believe the above readers have said what I said. Get the mri now! If something is growing it isn't going to stop because it knows you have an appnt!!!

    1. i know dear...I am in the "call back list" so to speak...I will keep calling! you want my nyc "in training" shirt by chance? ;)

  5. Oh man, I really feel for you. You are going through a very rough time. No question about that. I agree with Paul above. Keep bugging your docs.
    Sending cyber hugs your way:)

    My Running Shortz

  6. That really sucks you have to wait so long for an mri. Maybe someone will cancel and you'll be able to get in sooner. Hang in there. Sending good vibes your way.

  7. Just going to pile on with the good's to a speedy return to the road!

  8. Yep, I would be getting an MRI asap. Get the pics showing what's going on & decide from there. Injuries suck the life out of us but stay strong. Praying for you!

  9. I have definitely had those moments thinking something wasn't quite right... trust your intuition! I'm so glad you're getting more xrays done, although waiting until the end of June sounds brutal. Hang in there, and keep us posted!

  10. Praying for you hon, and I empathize!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxo!!

  11. yes yes yes and yes. i can relate to your worry and "what ifs"...i often am in the midst of similar types of what if thoughts. but i also can relate to the fact that things happen for a reason. its so tough to wait and to have to keep dealing with this...i cant even imagine. know that i am thinking for you and sending you as many positive vibes as i can! and hopefully we were meant to get into NYC in the same year at some point so that we can meet up:)

  12. See the link below for hip strengthening.
    Jillian Michael's bun burner dvd has the "fire hydrant" move in it. I'm feeling it a little today after doing work out 1 of the dvd yesterday.

  13. Sorry for this situation. I hope you heal very soon. Sometimes the things go in a different way and we need more time to recover. Take it easy and don't be in hurry. I am sure you will run again as fast as before.
    Have you ever tried with the swimming pool? Swimming or running in the water.
    And now please forgive me for the joke but we have a Marco Philipponi in our city, he is a runner a bit strange and with a strange behavior during and after the races. Perhaps they are the same Marco Philipponi .... and this is the reason of your slow recovery!

    1. You are so funny...wouldn't that be my luck!!! I want to know what this strange behavior is ;)

    2. He cuts the routes during the races, wears old bibs not to pay the fee ecc.

  14. I played that "what if" and "why me" game repeatedly with my foot fiasco in the year I couldn't run and it drove me insane. I just read this article about adversity hitting every one of us at some point in our lives. When my foot was a disaster and I couldn't run, my husband lost his job for the 4th time in 5 years, my daughter became severely depressed, we almost lost our house, I couldn't get health insurance....the list goes on. And on. And on. I know it's hard to be grateful at times like this, but everyday I woke up with all that was going on, I tried to be grateful I was still here to see my kids, the sun set each day, the smell of fresh air...anything I could think of. Because one day, this will all be a distant memory. I know there's an answer out there for you, I know it. Keep being strong are well loved and you will find the answers you seek!! Big hugs to you!!! xo

  15. I understand exactly where you are coming from; I dealt with this last year with my knee and SI joint injuries (in fact, Jill and I dealt with our injuries at the same time...thank GOD for her!). It is a horrible feeling to hope and wish and nothing works, to always wonder if you are ever going to figure out what is wrong and be able to get back to doing the one thing you love. Never, ever give up. Keep looking for those answers because they are out there.

  16. thanks for stopping by my blog! I know exactly what you mean! I too have been dealing with hip issues. It's so frustrating to spend so much time letting things heal, going to doctors appts, etc. only to keep guessing. Hope you get the answers you need soon!

  17. Sure wish I could give you a big hug right now. We want everything to happen the right way (my way), and in our time. I am 100% guilty of this, anyway. Not knowing is worse, until we find out what is wrong and obsess over what it takes to get better.
    Faith is having hope in things unseen, that all will come to GOOD.

    In a while you will have your answers and have a direction to move with it. I hope your dreams come true. They might not happen exactly how you want them to, but they will be sweeter because of the road you have had to take.
    Big hugs and wishes for a strong body and peace of mind that only faith can produce.

  18. I wish I had words of wisdom. :( Hang in there and try to avoid the "what if" and "why me"... it'll make you crazy! :/ Best wishes for answers (and relief) SOOOOON.

  19. How did I miss this post? I love reading your blog and miss when you are not writing. I believe things happen for a reason, too. Sometimes I don't like the reasons but they also seem to make sense - if even in a twisted way. Keep trusting your journey and also your gut instinct. Get pushy with the docs. Take care of you!
    When I was typing this reply I typed "thongs" instead of "things" and "dics" instead of "docs." What was the reason this happened? Bad typing? Nah, to make me smile!!

  20. Exist something like runsick (from homesick)? :-)

  21. My heart goes out to you as this must all be so hard to deal with. I too believe everything happens for a reason. Trust your gut and never stop pressing for answers. Hugs!

  22. Hope you are getting in some good workouts this week and that you have been getting the right answers. hugs!!

  23. I certainly believe things happen for a reason. I know it is difficult not to ask questions sometimes and if it is something that carries on and on it can be very testing. I really hope and pray that this will sort out for you soon. Stay positive and patience, you will be fine again.

  24. How did I miss this? Because I've been in the throes of "what if?" too. So my answer is 'yes'. Such hard hard stuff. You will figure this all out and everything will be okay. I believe this with all my heart.


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