I feel I'm on a Roller Coaster...
One minute I'm up on top, near the sky...
so close I think know I can touch it...
The next, I'm, spiraling down, out of control,
not at all enjoying the feeling in my stomach as I try my hardest not to throw up...
I use to love roller coaster as a child...and sometimes I still do...
When I decide to ride them!
As many of you know i have been anxiously awaiting having another MRI on my hip.
10 months post-op, and still things just ain't quite right!
Lots of pain...still...
I have done some things along the way which I shouldn't have...
but only if you test yourself can you truly understand, or evaluate the outcome...
at least that's how I work...
I have had many great first moments along the way, and many disappointments as well.
I have been patient,
diligent
cooperative,
serious,
positive,
frustrated,
defeated,
courageous,
hard-working,
reflective,
understanding,
confused,
but most of all...hopeful
Hopeful that every time I trek back into NYC my results
will
be
normal...
Normal...is there really such a thing? I sometimes wonder...
My surgeon left the room to send me across the hall for more x-rays and to look over all my images, but only after he came in to work with me a bit. There are certain strength and ROM tests that are indicative of one who is progressing at a "normal rate." I clearly did not show that...at all!
When asked to lift up your leg and hold it while one pushes down on it is one of the first things to be done. Not too hard right? Only one problem...I cannot, still, lift my leg off the table while lying supine...too weak, and too painful. Major red flag! There were other tests that he did, pushing into and away from his hands, certain ways he moved my hip etc that all showed major sign of weakness, pain and discomfort.
And that is when he left to study the images taken that morning...
and came back in with 4 other people...
My results came back absolutely...
perfect...
Normal!
So, why did we all look so confused?
I have to say, I really was dumbfounded! I had been extremely nervous all morning about this appointment. For those of you that know me...I am quietly nervous, and tend to be a non-reactor initially. I take things in, reflect upon them, question them and then come to terms with it.
I was nervous because quite honestly, what is worse?
finding out something is still wrong...
or finding NOTHING AT ALL?
This didn't make sense to any of us...they started investigating further, talking to me about my original injury, what I had done along the way before ever coming to them. They pushed and prodded and pulled and tugged. Then, he asked about numbness...tingling...and it went from there.
Upon observation, it showed that when asked to tighten or use certain muscle groups surrounding the hip joint...I couldn't. I clearly used only my left leg when both legs were involved...(which may explain the problems arising in that hip and leg as well)...or I used other muscles on the right side to compensate...or nothing at all because the pain has become pretty intense. And what is the most interesting, or frustrating, is that the pain is in the exact same areas as it was before surgery...
They went on and on talking about something completely over my head...
but not really "talking to me", but "questioning each other"...
He said, "the reason you are so confused is becasue quite honestly we are too!"
he continued to explain it to me like this...
"Caroline, We are like the mechanics...we find what's broke, and we go in and fix it...like in a car. And, the MRI shows just that. there is no swelling, no extra fluid inside the hip joint, the anchors are intact
and the cartilage looks perfectly healthy. Actually, if I wanted to look at show anyone a post-operative hip arthroscopy MRI, it would be yours...because it is perfect!
but, like in a car, it's not just the parts that need to be fixed...but the computer part needs to work as well...for it to run or "function" properly. Your computer isn't getting the appropriate messages to your parts. so, it's still not working, functioning, or allowing your pain to go away. It's all nerve related...so we believe! and yes, that can cause great pain, as well as problems for your hip along the way...because your muscles aren't supporting it. Your muscles simply aren't "firing!"
So...
this is where I'm at.
I could go on and on and talk about my reaction...or lack thereof...my complete confusion and dumbfoundedness...but there is no need. I am sure you can figure that out on your own. He did take the time to address how astute my current PT was and how he was right to observe such a distinct problem with my progress...that it was right of him to call and request more images taken...how he knows that I am in good hands and being taken care of in that aspect...how this is NOT the norm of recovering patients, but every body is different and heals in different ways and time frames...That this will take awhile and that I have to be patient...but if they can pinpoint where the problems lie...then it is treatable!
I have been referred to 2 of his specialists that deal with these issues...In the Neurology department.
I am having a Nerve Conduction Test on August 6th (we are heading for KY and then OBX and will be away for 3 weeks)...you can read more about what that test is like here. 2 days later I will head back in to see this doctor, unless the results warrant otherwise.
But, for now...absolutely NO RUNNING...again...
not that I was ever officially cleared in the first place...
because I wasn't...
it was causing a great deal of pain, during and after...
but I was doing...
achieving...
participating...
feeling alive again...
feeling like I was on top of the roller coaster...
brave...
weightless...
exhilarated...
and free...
Now?
I feel like I'm falling...
dropping...
out of control...
scared...
confused...
depressed...
and wondering, will I ever hit the bottom?
I'm scared to hit the bottom...
I don't want any pity...I have a wonderful life...and I know there are worse things in life...
I should feel lucky...
But, Help me out here...I am feeling defeated...and hopeless
How many deep breaths can you take...
before you run out of breath?
I know it does not help but I know how you feel. I had a stress fracture that took forever to heal & now IT band issues that still bug me. You're going to recover & come back strong. :-).
ReplyDeleteIt's horrible to not feel like your "old" self, but this is your "new normal," to quote Oprah. I know it's easy for me to say, but can you focus on the positive? You can't run now, but you are able to walk, and that's something to be thankful for. My mom lost her bladder last year to cancer, but even though the chemo almost killed her with a perforated ulcer, she said she's go through it all again because she's alive and going to her first grandchild's wedding in August. Did that help at all or make you even more depressed? I hope this is just a little bump in the road and you're back on top of the world in no time.
ReplyDeleteTell me to shut up if I'm out of line.
First of all, a big hug for you. No pity, just a hug. Second, it is ok to feel sad, depressed, confused. We all have our challenges in life and we should not compare ourselves to others. Sure, there are others that have it worse off. BUT this is IMPORTANT to YOU! I totally get that feeling. You want something back that you just can't have right now. That is VERY frustrating. You are not getting the answers that you need. That is VERY maddening. How many deep breaths can you take before you run out of breath? The good news is that you don't. You just keep going - sometimes it feels like you are short on air and ready to give up. The best part is that sometimes all that deep breathing brings you relief. I think that is what is coming you way!
ReplyDeleteNo pity here from me, but I do feel absolute compassion and just know how sad you feel right now - and I for you. It sucks BIG TIME. When I was out for so long with my foot I just kept asking why. Why me. Why now. Why do this to me when running soothes my soul. My husband lost his job in the midst of my foot pain. My daughter was diagnosed with severe depression...the list is endless and I just wondered how many hits I'd have to endure before I came out on the other side - if ever! I finally had to stop the madness in my head and accept that this was some sort of grand plan to make me stronger down the road. You will come out on the other side, as I eventually did. There is plenty of air out there so that's a good thing, you're never going to run out :). You're an amazingly strong woman with so much to offer this world... am truly blessed to "know" you. There are answers out there and I know you will find them and persevere - that's the woman you are. Until then, hugs to help and I'm sending you a big e-one. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate! I am just coming back after a hamstring injury and things still do not feel 100%. I can run again but still there are pains here and there. I hope you get to the bottom of your pain so that you have some closure and won't have to keep wondering! That is the worst part! Good luck with your tests.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear this. You must be frustrated beyond belief. I hope the tests help. Enjoy your time away as much as you can.
ReplyDeleteOn the bright side, this is definite progress! Surgery successful, go see more specialists to see what else is wrong.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the great attitude! I know it's not easy.
That's so crazy that everything looks perfect on the scans but the function is just not there. I've been having hip problems (pretty minor but potential to turn into something more) the last few months, so reading this post was very interesting for me. I've never had any hip injury before now, so it's fascinating (and annoying!). My next plan is to start seeing a physical therapist who does myofascial massage in the office. Basically, they stretch you and massage you at the same time, but when I had one a few months ago it felt miraculous. The guy wanted me to come back, but he charged $120/session (I originally went with a groupon). The new place was recommended by a friend, and they take my insurance. If you've never tried it, myofascial massage might be worth a shot.
ReplyDeleteI have had intense Pt including myofascial massage for the past year and a half, both pre and post op surgery...It does really help!! It is very similar to ART therapy, which is more expensive and i found lesshelpful, but every body is different.
Deletefinding a good PT is key, and I have a gem...he had pinpoipnted EVERYTHING for me and I am so lucky to have him...but it is still frustrating, the lack of progress at times. I hope your hip fairs better than mine!
I know firsthand how frustrating it is to be told nothing is wrong, but still have pain! I am sorry you are going through this...no pity here, just some hugs.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as this may seem always look on the bright side, stay on top of the coaster, surgery went great, no issue with recovery or scarring and no need for them to go back in and fix something they miss, legs work together but still hip pain, the lows are just a bump in the road, hoping that between the new specialist and your awesome PT things gets taked care off relativily soon. Take care and Good luck. Enjoy your trip and don't forget to breathe.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your injury - that sounds really tough. I hope you get some solutions soon.
ReplyDeleteThanks for commenting on my blog! A courgette is what we in the UK call the vegetable you know as zucchini - not sure I've spelled that right!
Oh friend. I can't imagine what you are feeling but I felt you described it so perfectly. You are a wonderful writer. I felt like I was sitting next to you as you tell me each thought/feeling you have experienced. I was confused just hearing the results through your writing so I can only imagine that you sitting there hearing them was incredibly more frustrating and confusing. I wish I had a good answer or knew the right and just perfect thing to say. First I want to say thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Second, know that I am thinking of you and that the best thing I can think of now is that even when we think we have reached that last deep breath, that last bit of strength to help carry ourselves on...we often can reach down and find new strength or see a new light of hope! you are strong and can get through this! and will gather even more strength along the way.
ReplyDeleteI have never heard of that! I guess it makes sense- but how strange, and how incredibly frustrating... I can totally understand your roller coaster emotions. And ten months is such a long time to be dealing with this, with no clear end in sight. Vent as often as you need to, we're all happy to listen and offer whatever little encouragement we can.
ReplyDeleteNo great words of wisdom here at all. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope for a diagnosis and full recovery! My wish is that you may rise to the top and stay atop the roller coaster! I am a heathen old Catholic and as crazy as it seems I like to read about St Jude when I am feeling hopeless and especially the Danny Thomas story.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds sooooo frustrating. I'm sorry :( and I hope that at some point in the future, it can get better. Sooner rather than later :)
ReplyDeleteThis is very interesting. I can imagine the scenario with all the drs chatting amongst themselves in front of you!
ReplyDeleteThe nerves and the nervous system are absolutely essential- but how often do we consider them in the treatment of an injury? I hope that there are some things that can be done to build the nerve pathways and increase your functionality, and get rid of the pain.
Wow, sorry to hear about your injury status. Hopefully things are able to get sorted out with your nerves and you will be back. That must be really frustrating to have the doctors not be able to tell you what you can do to fix your injury. Hopefully the nerve conductor test goes well, and at least you can know what you can do to get healthy again. I've been on and off injured for about a year and a half now, and I'm just now starting to feel better.
ReplyDeleteI follow this blog, and she seems to have a somewhat similar problem that you have - not sure if her problem is nerve related too, but she started doing PT to try to help the problem.
http://complicatedday.blogspot.com/2012/05/my-bones-are-inflammed.html
Thanks Nelly...I will definately check out this blog ;) Thanks fo rhte follow too!
DeleteHow frustrating! I remember reading a runners world article about Meb and how some of his coaches were starting to recommend retiring, but he found a doctor that was able to isolate the weak muscle, built it up and he returned to win the NYC marathon.
ReplyDeleteIt's a long slow road, but thankfully so is life. Keep your head up!
At least there is good news in all that and the MRI looks good. I hope they can help you get things firing right soon and you can get cleared for running and get off your crazy roller coaster. I think you seem to be handling it pretty good given the circumstances!
ReplyDeleteI may have been off in the blog name that I gave you that had something similar to what you are dealing with (only being able to lift one leg off the table instead of both at the same time). This blog definitely has been dealing with your same problem, she might have some insight into what she did or does to try to help it.
ReplyDeletehttp://didyougetanyofthat.blogspot.com/
I can totally understand this roller coaster you are on. I have been injured more times than I can count, but luckily they have mostly been short lived and haven't kept me out of the game like they have you. Keep working at trying to get things figured out though. Don't give up. You will get there and you'll be back at it again soon enough!!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear the hip is still a major issue. I feel bad for you. Almost horrible actually. I know what's is like not to be able to run, except you don't seem to have a good explanation why at the moment. Maybe you do. Sounds like your muscles have atrophied. I have a runner friend who was having leg issues, and he went to a Active Release Therapist who told him he had some muscles that weren't firing, and gave him a regimen of exercises to do. Perhaps your PT will help you to get those unused hip muscles back in the game.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog earlier. You're the first one to mention something about me being MIA lately, and that was very endearing. I'm on an accidental sabbatical. I never intended to go this long without posting, but the Summer has kept me busier than ever. I have a good topic for my next post, and I'll try to get to it soon, but I might be sporadic until school starts up in August and the nights get longer.
Oh man! I totally feel for you. I don't know what to say -- it all just totally sucks. Have you ever heard of Feldenkrais? Maybe something like that would help. I've never tried it but I've heard it's supposed to be excellent for your body.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.create-a-healthy-flexible-body.com/feldenkrais-exercises.html
Take care!
Ok wow I am so glad I found this blog.. All I read was hip surgery and I was hooked. Now I have to go back and reread! LOL
ReplyDeleteHey there...What's up? How are you doing?
ReplyDeletePlease don't give up, think positive and please let us know how you are.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes.
A big hug from Italy.
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