I ran my meatballs off!!!

 

 

 

Mission Accomplished!

8:46 avg pace

13.3 miles

 

 

I want to have so much to say about this race and weekend...yet, it really came and went like a blur!  craziness before...during...and after! 

 

a crazy week at school...a taper one week late that I believe truly effected my performance...

trying to scamper kids to others so that their schedules were not affected...

my friend running with me who became very sick...

really?  really? 

 It's my first race back in over 2 years...

it's not supposed to go down like this, lol!!

 

After finally getting to Brooklyn after work and hitting the traffic...the EXPO was great!  3 days of it!!!  Down in the Grotto...an old opened exposed Tobacco warehouse with new Balance gear, vendors, live music, food, beer...set upon the banks of the water looking into Manhattan...can you ask for anything more?? 

 

Actually...I've always wondered why the expos typically BEFORE the races?  I wanted so badly to drink down the yummy beer, eat the coney island dogs, pretzels and dance the night away...but I had to get to bed early.  They should seriously extend the party through the next day!!!

 

After picking up our bibs, getting our shirts, hanging out a bit and then going for dinner...our group headed back to the hotel to get ready for a 5:50 departure!  It was already a bit too late for us...but, it is what it is!

 

 

 To be honest...I had been really nervous for this race.  I questioned whether I should even be running it.  Nothing is worse, for me at least, than not being able to finish something I start.  I'll never forget my PT saying to me, "your goal is just GETTINGto the starting line...not necessarily how you finish it!  If you start hurting...you simply walk, period!  Look how far you've come, and you need to take it slow.  Time SHOULD NOT be of a concern to you..."

 but...we all know...our heads don't think logically at times..................

I just wanted to finish...I just wanted to feel that I could reach a goal again...I just wanted to be able to go from start to finish without stopping...didn't even care about collecting my 200 dollars, lol...

but,

my

pride

got

in

the

way...

and so did my watch!

wy didn't someone tell me NOT  to wear my watch???

I needed to run an easy race...but I deep down couldn't handle NOT running a sub 2...Why?...I have no idea?  And even though I did, I have been beating myself up over the last week with why it wasn't faster...! 

 

 I hit my wall at 11, as I predicted.  I hadn't gotten even passed that mileage with my training...after all, I only had 13 weeks to prepare as it was when I got the ok to do it! 

 

so, at mile 11...my gait and stride became labored and rather hea...my foot pain came in like a lion at 11.5...the bottoms of my feet absolutely burning like fire...followed by the toe cramp...followed by my throbbing and shooting sharp pains...the other one btw which we WILL NOT DISCUSS...,  and my hamstring cramping up as well...need I go on? 

 but stop now?? 

NEVER! 

I did however have to go to the side and shake out my legs...massage the cramp out of my toe and walk through my water stops...I was struggling...period!  But, I just couldn't handle stopping and I was obsessing over my time.  Do you do that?  I didn't even really trot for over a year and a half, started running by the end of February...and I have to run a sub 2?  Why can't I just complete it? 

Why can't I just be happy with that? 

WHY DID TIME MATTER...FOR THIS RACE?

My friend that got me ready for this race was really struggling with her health...she had gotten a slight sinus infection...which triggered her asthma...which led her to medicines that depleted her body of needed liquids...

 

So at mile 10 her body gave out...period!

she became very weak and ended up being sent to the hospital for IV hydration...

very scary...

especially when you are standing at the finish line waiting, and waiting, and waiting...

that is why no pictures, no nothing! 

when she startes to fell better I can't wait to tease her about how she ruined my comeback, lol!!! 

just kidding...

kind of ;) 

We found out eventually what had happened, and had to scramble to find our families, our way back to the hotel...we didn't check bags, security was tight, most took  subways as parking was extremely limited, so we had left everything with her husband...including car keys...and he got the call and went to her of course!!.  I didn't run with a phone...so for over an hour we stood on the Coney Island boardwalk and waited, and shivered...It had started to rain and I became very cold...spectators were not allowed onto the boardwalk either...and we were leery of leaving one another...

In the end, it all worked out...

but a very different ending than what i had expected...

I finished elated...

but left deflated...

and upset for her...

hence no pictures...

no after party. 

But, thank goodness she is ok which is all that matters...

Funny enough, Dave and Tanner were at the 400 meter mark high-fiving, cheering and watching everyone run by...but they missed me...and I missed them!  Another strange ending! 

Come to find out later...our school has come down with a very bad epidemic of fifths disease...which typically just affects children and pregnant women...however, the adults are contracting it and exhibiting really intense and very strange, severe symptoms from it.  My friend has still been out of school all week, out of commission with it still and is just coming around!  The symptoms mimic severe side pains similar to gall stones, kidney stones and appendicitis...with fever, flu like symptoms and plain exhaustion...My heart goes out to her...as she struggled tremendously with her non finish!  Running in the Right Direction deserves a shout out!!!

So...my splits are as followed...I tried to maintain a mid 8, but...not the case consistently.  But, I am ok with it...even though i should have finished in around 1;53 if I hadn't stopped near the end...Oh well...i am proud of myself for many reasons. 

Lap 1 8:42

Lap 2 8:48

Lap 3 8:19

Lap 4 8:36

Lap 5 9:20

Lap 6 9:11

Lap 7 8:30

Lap 8 8:30

Lap 9 8:51

Lap 10 8:49

Lap 11 8:40

Lap 12 9:12

Lap 13 8:40

last.33 2:23

I just tried running again today as I have not recovered well...I have nursed a few things all week and am a bit concerned about my other hip...but all in all...

I

feel

content!!!

I am participating in a Tough Mudder next weekend in Philadelphia with a team of people...

AND I HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING IT!!! PERIOD!!! 

WHAT WAS ITHINKING? 

MAYBE THE BEER AT THE END? 

THAT SHOULD BE AN INTERESTING POST

 AS I STILL CANT RUN MORE THAN 15 MINUTES RIGHT NOW

WITHOUT WALKING IN BETWEEN LOL!!

Have you ever made bad decisions with entering races?

Have you ever felt disappointed with your finishing time after a long break from racing?

Have you ever worried that your recovery time after a race took way too long??

Ready or not...Brooklyn, here I come!!!

only 1 week away!

To be continued...I promise!

 

Until then...

 

~How do you conquer something

that in your head has already conquered you?

 

~How do you force your recovered injury

to keep up with your wants and needs?

 

~How do you handle the feeling that one injury healed...

is leading to another injury stirring?

 

~How do you cope with going into something

knowing that your  success is getting to the starting line...

rather than crossing it?

 

 

 

 

~How do you handle first races back after

2 years too long???

 

 

Recovering... Round 3...and a "Thankful" Inspiration...

first and foremost~

Thank you to everyone who has blogged, reached out, supported, prayed and cared about anyone and everyone who was effected by Hurricane Sandy!  From losing power which is still ongoing, to gas lines miles deep like the great depression, to burned down homes, washed away islands, trees in homes, cars lost, belongings gone, schools closed, sports seasons not completed, marathons cancelled...Never in my wildest dreams did I ever envision what this storm would bring to our community and surrounding ones.  We are rebuilding, moving forward...but very slowly, and very cautiously!  It will take awhile before we are back to normal...but we will get there no doubt!  Not so much for the unfortunate ones who lost everything they have...including loved ones... old and young.  

Secondly~

On Monday I go back into the city for Round 3 of my injections...UGH!  However, I will say that I feel my RIGHT hip getting stronger and stronger by the day!  It has been slow, but I remain positive as i am beginning to see me do things I have not in a very long time!  Other issues may be creeping up on me but I will not go into detail about them as I will just focus on one thing at a time...And this injury/recovery period has been a LONG ordeal!  I, and my family, will try very hard to not come down with some weird, crazy 24 hour exorcist type stomach bug this time to alter the plans...believe me when I say...the shot was much easier than those grueling 24 hours of misery!

lastly~

I decided since I don't have too much to write about with my running...although I was able to hit the road today and pack in some low mileage cautiously...and I am tired of just writing about my injury...I thought I would write a post about someone in my life that had a tremendous impact upon my running career and my love for it!  Tis the season of thinking about and reflecting on what positive things we have in our lives, and for those we  are so thankful for having a moment, day, or lifetime to share it with!  so here goes...It is long...I tend to be scattered verbose with my thoughts...so i apologize

 

Flashback...

When I entered my year of fourth grade in 1977, Kentucky was in the throes of "desegregating" and the federal court had issued the city of Louisville and Jefferson county to merge school systems and do just that.  Nowhere else in the state was effected by this decision, nor any other state around us for that matter...How this worked was that every year, depending upon what letter of the alphabet your last name started with...you would either  be "bussed" downtown to an inner city school...or "bussed" into county to a traditional neighborhood school.  To make a long story short...my brother the year prior had been subject to this at the age of 11...and let's just say it was not a pleasant experience for him...nor a  positive educational decision as well.  90 minutes on a bus, both ways, is let alone reason enough for any parent to make a change for their family...be it what they believed in or not.

 

so...

Fourth grade began the year of my "Catholic" school experience!  Kentucky, at that time, was primarily of Christian practice...however down there ya'll were either Protestant...or Catholic!  One or the other!  Now, I know what you're thinking...they're both Christian, yes!  However, I am in no mood nor do I have the patience knowledge to begin explaining why people say your one or the other...so let's just say, it was a bit divided that way.  Most Protestants married protestants...most catholics married catholics...period!  Very friendly, very civil, just very different!

 

My parents moved to Louisville from Western KY right before my oldest brother wa born.  being a printer...he needed to move into the "big city" as they called it for more opportunities.  My daddy opened a small printing business right across the way from a Catholic parish attached to a elementary school.  Now, my father had been in the printing business since the age of 12...along with growing up with an outhouse, no indoor plumbing, no father in a family of 6, a brother stricken with polio, another brother killed in WW11... however that is another story indeed for me to blog about...so let me regain my focus!

 

Daddy did all the printing for this parish and school for many years and had become quite acquainted  with "the powers that be" to say the least.  so, when my name came up that year for the lottery to be shipped downtown to school...my daddy called in a favor.  And I, Caroline Kraps, became the first protestant to attend St. Raphael School...when I was there at least!  Since, times have changed dramtically and catholic schools are filled with families of other faiths.

 

Now, every Catholic parish was attached to a school...and every community had a catholic church...so and there were almost as many Catholic schools back then as there were public.  Much much smaller in size of course...but just as many!  And...there were numerous all boy and all girl High Schools in Jefferson County at that time as well...and we are talking 35 years ago.  Catholic schools went 1-8 (kindergarten was not mandated nor apart of the schools then).  but, now I am just bantering and not getting to the point.  In Catholic schools...in Kentucky...you are able to begin participating in school  sports in 4th grade...unlike 7th grade up here in NY!  this is where my story begins...

 

His name was "Mr. Johnson"...an eighth grade English teacher...He coached many sports then, I actually can't remember them all...but he also coached track.  I heard the message on the intercom to come down to the gym if you were interested in running on the track team.  so...I went.  4th, 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th graders...boys and girls...sitting there.  Only one coach!  can you imagine that now? 

 

 Mr. Johnson was very popular with he athletes...actually all the students as well. He was young...not married at the time...and just full of himself!  he was scary to me back then because he was tall...at least I thought he was...and had a loud voice...and was intimidating...but so pleasantly sweet at the same time. I remember feeling so proud when he would actually look your way and call you by name!  Everyone hoped and prayed to have him once in eight grade...he was by far, in my eyes, the best story teller I have ever encountered.  Mr. Johnson opened  up my love for reading...he delivered classics such as "to Kill a Mockingbird, and Of Mice and Men,  in such an appealing way that they still remain my favorites to this very day!  I can still hear his voice interpretation of "Scout saying..."hey Boo"  and Lenny's way of talking about "the rabbits"...The best teacher I have ever had by far...and who made the greatest impact on my life!!!  In more way then one.  He was not only the best teacher i ever had...but the best coach as well!  In my opinion they go hand in hand...but not all teachers can coach...and not all coaches can teach...but this man had a talent for both!  he could say anything to get you to do exactly what he wanted...which in turn 35 years later I have come to realize was really, "exactly" what I wanted, or needed to hear!!!"

 

Mr. Jonson made me see something in myself that I had no idea I had.  He gave me the confidence, which I never had before that, to confront anything and anyone who dared me.  He helped build and shape my attitude towards running in a way that was far before my time.  It is sad that i am just realizing this now. 

 

 I was young...and a natural...and i was fast...I won't lie about that and i knew it!  iIhad been winning sprints for years at field days, street races and events in the community.  I will never forget beating 2 boys in second grade at the time that went on to play professional football after playing in college...they lived right up the road from me all my life, and they would always tease me about being the "only girl" that ever beat them in a 100 yard dash!  Donnie and Carmine...I wonder where they are today???

 

Under Mr. Johnson's tutelage...I became a 5 time city champion in both the 100 meter dash and the 4x100 meter relay.  I placed within the top 3 in the city championships every year for the long jump as well.  That summer before my 9th grade year...he entered me into the ARCO Jesse Owens games.  I trained all summer for a few events and made my way to the regional championships...I believe KY, Indiana and Ohio.  I placed first in my age group for the 100 meters, and landed an all expense trip to California to compete in the ARCO Jesse Owens national meet... it was like the Olympics!  Mohammad Ali flew with us and was our representative holding our state flag as we marched around the track at opening ceremonies...we all had on jockey uniforms representing our state (for the KY derby) and our region...we we went to Disney land and had so many crazy opportunities I can't even remember...i was only 13 at the time!  It seems like a lifetime ago...

 

It was all because of him...he pushed me...he coached me...he believed in me and he cared!  I cannot say that about any other coach I have ever had except one of my collegiate cheerleading coaches in college...but I was much older and wiser and I took responsibility much more seriously than at the age of 9...Mr. Johnson shaped me...he molded me...he taught me to work hard at what you're good at...that you can always do more to get better, and stronger, and wiser!!!   I will never be able to thank him enough for developing a love of something that has come back to bite me so hard...that I can't wait to bite it back!

 

Shortly into HS he left St. Raphael and started teaching at St Xavier HS which is an all boys HS in Louisville. He kept up with my HS track career...I went on to do very well in HS running in regionals, sections and states...however my HS experience with my coach was never the same as with Mr. Johnson...I wasn't pushed...I didn't have the same respect for his knowledge, dedication or desire to be there...and I unfortunately let that affect my performance.  I just didn't have it in me as much...and my confidence wavered...greatly!  I can think back at precisely when I stopped running in races because my anxiety would become so great because I knew I couldn't win...nor should I win...I ate what I wanted, never conditioned, and only practiced during the seasons...Running had become more of a job...not a love anymore, or so I thought...  So, when college came round...and a cheerleading scholarship for the number one nationally ranked university...I traded cards!  wo wouldn't have?  But ,would I have done that had he stayed with me all those years?  I will never know! 

Flash Forward 

This past summer...I headed home for my 30th grade school reunion.  I had never been to one...and I had lost contact with so many of these people.  Remember, after 8th grade...all went separate ways, either to this all girl, or that all girl...this all boy, or that all boy, or public HS...but, for some reason... I really wanted to attend.

 

I walked in so nervous, and of course I made Dave go with me...a few minutes into the hugs and looking at name tags, and trying to remember how this guy with no hair, or that girl with perfect teeth was the one  who sat behind you...I saw a man...quite a bit larger than I remembered...but I am too!!!  Yet, I knew when he turned...when I heard that loud, booming yet so very gentle voice of his...when I saw that gleaming smile that would forever drift up into his eyes... and those same glasses...it was him...he was here!  The only teacher to attend the evening...but then again...that doesn't surprise me!  It was like he never left me after all those years! 
I felt like I was 9,10,11, 12 and 13 all over again! 
And it all came back to me....

Mr. Johnson and me...Summer of 2012.  We are only "holding props" of course...

 

 

Why do I love running so much?  Why do I need running so much?  Why does it bring me such satisfaction, strength, drive and confidence?  Why does it replace what is lost in me sometimes and create a better me? Why does it make me breath harder and faster...but at the same time easier? 

 

I was blessed enough in this life to have someone teach me the importance of running and what it can bring to your life.  it's not all about the winning...or the losing for that matter...but more about how it can teach you to handle yourself when these things happen...when you feel bad, you go running.  when you are nervous, you go running.  when you seem overwhelmed, you go running.  When you are lost, you go running....I could go on and on...but I know you get it!

 

I hope you all have had a Mr.Johnson in your life...a someone who motivates you to be a better you...in any way shape or form!  I hope you are all blessed with that someone who makes a difference in your life...and who you can  honestly say a week from Thursday...you are thankful for! 

 

My pledge is to let him know how I feel! 
what an impact he has had on my life...
and with running!
I became a teacher...
I became a coach...
and I married both as well...

 

So...

I am asking each and all of you to reflect upon your life. 
Think about how lucky you are to be healthy, alive, warm...and thankful.
I am hoping that you will dig deep and think about those that have shaped you in one way or another.  that you will understand the importance of doing just that with someone in your life...

someone on the outside...

someone who has made a difference in your life,
but probably has no idea! 
AND LET THEM KNOW BEFORE THANKSGIVING!
 

 

The greatest gift I could ever have as a teacher myself is thinking that one day...

out of the blue...

I may have the privilege of someone telling me just that. 

 That I made a difference for them...

that they are thankful for having me in their life at the time. 

What a gift that would be indeed!

 

Wishing you all a very happy Thanksgiving Season...

let's keep the thankful trend moving!!!

OH...Sandy

 

 

Here is a picture of our beach,

Sill's Gully...

about 1/4 mile down the road...

 

 

Dave and Tanner on the sunfish

 

 

And...

Here is our beach right now...

 

  

The railing to the left is where we all hook our boats to...



There should be about 200 yards of beach from here...


Stay Safe Everyone!!! 
And thanks to everybody for checking up on me...
 and all my New York Blogging  buddies!!!! 
Hopefully...NYC will be dry and ready to roll on Sunday!
Til then~

Round 2...Postponed!!!

Starting Last night... a scene from the exorcist occurred... right here in my house...including 4 out of 5 people... To spare you the details... Injection cancelled and postponed... I'll update you later...when I can function...because I am one of the lucky ones... My poor husband~ therefore~ Virtual Happy Hour will be postponed to a later date and time... at least for me that is ;) Stay healthy!

Round 2...

First...

I must give a heartfelt "Thank You" to many of you out there who have been checking up on me periodically. 

You know who you are, and I feel humbled and blessed to have you in my life!

I have been absent, and at a loss of words lately...

so I apologize for slipping away.

 

However, I have been keeping up with all of you,

and your posts have kept me smiling

and on track!!

 

this post is short and to the point...

too much time has passed to fill you in

so I will just give you the gist of it...

 

 

My last post, here, was anticipating my first Lumbar Sympathetic Block...

and let's just say it was quite the adventure!! 

 

in bullets...because I can be a bit verbose...

• It took 3 times for them to get my IV in...and yes, I cried after the second attempt...
• Did I mention in my last post that I HATE NEEDLES?
• The Ativan finally kicked in and I felt like I was on a real nice high...not drunk...more high...I think
• I loved the positioning they put you in for this injection...on the belly over pillow... with  your ass in the air...nice!
• I think 2 or 3 local injections...I can't remember...then I calmed down
• I didn't look...I really didn't until my neck got sore and then I turned my head just in time to see him pull the freakin 12 inch needle out
• I just may have wet my pants at that point...but I will never tell
• I was feeling kinda funny
• they had me sit up and it was so cool because my entire right leg down to my toes were a red hot color...and my left leg was normal...strange
• they did some strength testing right there manually, and then had me stand up, with their help of course, and try to do some balancing things I think...because at this time was when it started to happen...
• they walked me to recovery which was supposed to be about 20 minutes
• they sat me down...and I finally asked why my throat felt funny, like I couldn't swallow...and my tongue felt swollen, I couldn't feel my extremities, and I was so so dizzy
• They called for him right away...and they threw an oxygen mask on me and kept checking my blood pressure, but I felt like I was out of my body and I could hear them... but not
• it was at this moment that I heard the nurse say that her son was a student in my school...seriously?  what the hell did I say to her?  I am so avoiding her at back to school night on Thursday!!!
• Dont' judge me for this comment...because I'm not saying that I ever have...but I was stoned royally, totally and completely!!!  I couldn't move anything nor could I speak...but, it was pleasurable if you know what I mean...I think this is when they brought Dave back
• they asked me to move my legs...and apparently I started waving my hands...oh boy
• I just remember him telling them to continue to monitor me and take my pressure and he just never left...wtf was going on?
• Then, they gave me something to counteract what was happening...and I feel asleep in recovery...FOR 2 HOURS!!!

 

So embarrassing...

only me!

 

I so pray and hope that I didn't fart...

 

hey, ya never know??

 

Apparently my body reacted to all the locals they gave me before the actual block...Dr. Richman told Dave that because I was rather small and petite, my body just absorbed all the medicine completely and it was taking much longer than it should have for my body to recover...So, I finally came out of it enough to get dressed (with help) and I slept the entire way home...

 

Nonetheless...even after my first encounter...his recommendation called for another one...

 

so...

 

Tuesday morning I return back into NYC again...

 

for this...

 

 

 

 

 

using something like this...

 

 

 

So...

later that night...

Just in case you want to join me...

 

I will be having this...

 

 

Let's have a virtual happy hour together!

please, please, pretty please???

 

Come on...Who's in?

 

I'm all "Nerves" at the moment...

I just read one of my favorite blogs...and he dropped the "F-Bomb"...

so now it's my turn...

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy...

WTF is that?

Desensitization???  I am one of the most sensitive people you will ever meet.  I am always thinking of others and putting them before me, almost to a fault at times.  My actions are very telling of how I feel about others around me.

Flight over Fight???  For those of you that know me...I have never been one to give up a fight or quit!  I am a huge competitor, again by fault...and I don't like to lose...ever!  And for those of you that don't know me...Unless my actions would purposely hurt someone I care about, I would fight till the end!!

Pissed off???  Angry???  I would never use those words to describe me.  When I get upset I usually end up in tears because my feelings are hurt...Juvenile, I know...but true!  I get aggravated...frustrated...but never pissed off or angry...it doesn't get me anywhere in the end!

Weak???  Never!!  I refuse to be!!

how can these qualities be the cause of what's going wrong with my recovery? 

How could someone like myself let these negative characteristics take over...

or better yet...win?

How could I ever have the nerve to let this happen?

Results of my EMG, or Nerve Conduction Test, and a long consultation with several doctors whom I was referred to, have come up with this "diagnosis" I guess you would call it.  The nerves surrounding my hip joint are "angry, and desensitized...causing my muscles to not function properly or "strengthen" as they should.  This, they say, is causing all the strange sensation, tingling, numbness weakness and pain! 

There is no known medical reason for why this happens apparently...and when it happened is another question that cannot be answered.  My surgeon believes it happened when he placed my leg into traction during my hip arthroscopy.  However, this other doctor, who hahppens to be the director of Education and Research for Pain management at the Hopital for Special surgery,  says it very well may have happened from the initial trauma or injury.  It is very hard to tell...It is very specific to each individual person and how their bodies react to pain.  I am 1 out of 4 patients that this has happened to after surgery...out of over 4,000 surgeries of this type performed by him.  Remember, this is a relatively new surgery...and his statistics are almost perfect!  I have no doubt that I have had the "best care" around!  I've always hated statistics btw...

But...not everybody I trust in my recovery is buying into this latest thinking...

and I am nervous about it!

I almost feel like I am "in the middle"

I don't like being in the middle...

Nonetheless, tomorrow morning I am heading back into NYC.  My fourth trip within the last 2 weeks in regards to this new situation.  I am scheduled for a Lumbar Sympathetic Block on the right side...

anyone ever had one before? 

It doesn't sound very fun...

and I HATE NEEDLES!!! 

I will be given an IV, as well as Antivan...they want me calm, yet awake.  It sounds similar to an epidural, only a bit higher.  The needle will go through the spine towards the inside section where these certain nerves are located that are  directly related to the specific areas of weakness.  The hope is that this will "quiet" the nerves for a short duration which will lessen the pain and allow me to work on strengthening these specific muscles.  Once the muscles are stronger...they will start supporting the joint better, and the pain should go away...

But will it?

I am trying to not think about it, or care...trying to "desensitize" myself to the thought of this procedure...

I want nothing more than to "fly" away from all of this...I have grown tired of the "fight"...

I am a bit "pissed off " that my body can't just heal itself normally, like other people.  Remember, I hate losing.  I am "angry" that not everyone I need on my side is in agreement...

I feel "weak" because I feel defeated...once again...

But I'm doing it anyway...

and boy am I nervous!

did I mention I HATE NEEDLES???





Answers...Unanswered...

I feel I'm on a Roller Coaster...

One minute I'm up on top, near the sky...

so close I think know I can touch it...

The next, I'm, spiraling down, out of control,

not at all enjoying the feeling in my stomach as I try my hardest not to throw up...

I use to love roller coaster as a child...and sometimes I still do...

When I decide to ride them!

As many of you know i have been anxiously awaiting having another MRI on my hip. 

 10 months post-op, and still things just ain't quite right! 

Lots of pain...still...

I have done some things along the way which I shouldn't have...

but only if you test yourself can you truly understand, or evaluate the outcome...

at least that's how I work...

I have had many great first moments along the way, and many disappointments as well. 

I have been patient,

diligent

cooperative,

serious,

positive,

frustrated,

defeated,

courageous,

hard-working,

reflective,

understanding,

confused,

but most of all...hopeful

Hopeful that every time I trek back into NYC my results

will

be

normal...

Normal...is there really such a thing?  I sometimes wonder...

My surgeon left the room to send me across the hall for more x-rays and to look over all my images, but only after he came in to work with me a bit.  There are certain strength and ROM tests that are indicative of one who is progressing at a "normal rate."  I clearly did not show that...at all! 

When asked to lift up your leg and hold it while one pushes down on it is one of the first things to be done.  Not too hard right?  Only one problem...I cannot, still, lift my leg off the table while lying supine...too weak, and too painful.  Major red flag!  There were other tests that he did, pushing into and away from his hands, certain ways he moved my hip etc that all showed major sign of weakness, pain and discomfort. 

And that is when he left to study the images taken that morning...

and came back in with 4 other people...

My results came back absolutely...

perfect...

Normal!

So, why did we all look so confused?

I have to say, I really was dumbfounded!  I had been extremely nervous all morning about this appointment.  For those of you that know me...I am quietly nervous, and tend to be a non-reactor initially.  I take things in, reflect upon them, question them and then come to terms with it.

I was nervous because quite honestly, what is worse? 

finding out something is still wrong...

or finding NOTHING AT ALL?

This didn't make sense to any of us...they started investigating further, talking to me about my original injury, what I had done along the way before ever coming to them.  They pushed and prodded and pulled and tugged.  Then, he asked about numbness...tingling...and it went from there.

Upon observation, it showed that when asked to tighten or use certain muscle groups surrounding the hip joint...I couldn't.  I clearly used only my left leg when both legs were involved...(which may explain the problems arising in that hip and leg as well)...or I used other muscles on the right side to compensate...or nothing at all because the pain has become pretty intense.  And what is the most interesting, or frustrating, is that the pain is in the exact same areas as it was before surgery...

They went on and on talking about something completely over my head...

but not really "talking to me", but "questioning each other"...

He said, "the reason you are so confused is becasue quite honestly we are too!"

he continued to explain it to me like this...

"Caroline, We are like the mechanics...we find what's broke, and we go in and fix it...like in a car.  And, the MRI shows just that.  there is no swelling, no extra fluid inside the hip joint, the anchors are intact

and the cartilage looks perfectly healthy.  Actually, if I wanted to look at show anyone a post-operative hip arthroscopy MRI, it would be yours...because it is perfect!

but, like in a car, it's not just the parts that need to be fixed...but the computer part needs to work as well...for it to run or "function" properly.  Your computer isn't getting the appropriate messages to your parts.  so, it's still not working, functioning, or allowing your pain to go away.  It's all nerve related...so we believe! and yes, that can cause great pain, as well as problems for your hip along the way...because your muscles aren't supporting it.  Your muscles simply aren't "firing!"

So...

this is where I'm at. 

I could go on and on and talk about my reaction...or lack thereof...my complete confusion and dumbfoundedness...but there is no need.  I am sure you can figure that out on your own.  He did take the time to address how astute my current PT was and how he was right to observe such a distinct problem with my progress...that it was right of him to call and request more images taken...how he knows that I am in good hands and being taken care of in that aspect...how this is NOT the norm of recovering patients, but every body is different and heals in different ways and time frames...That this will take awhile and that I have to be patient...but if they can pinpoint where the problems lie...then it is treatable! 

I have been referred to 2 of his specialists that deal with these issues...In the Neurology department.

I am having a Nerve Conduction Test on August 6th (we are heading for KY and then OBX and will be away for 3 weeks)...you can read more about what that test is like here.  2 days later I will head back in to see this doctor, unless the results warrant otherwise. 

But, for now...absolutely NO RUNNING...again... 

not that I was ever officially cleared in the first place... 

because I wasn't...

it was causing a great deal of pain, during and after...

but I was doing...

achieving...

participating...

feeling alive again...

feeling like I was on top of the roller coaster...

brave...

weightless...

exhilarated...

and free...

Now?

 I feel like I'm falling...

dropping...

out of control...

scared...

confused...

depressed...

and wondering, will I ever hit the bottom?

I'm scared to hit the bottom...

I don't want any pity...I have a wonderful life...and I know there are worse things in life...

I should feel lucky...

But, Help me out here...I am feeling defeated...and hopeless

How many deep breaths can you take...

before you run out of breath?

My 2012 TrIslip Recap...

Well...What can I say? 

WE did it! 

my good,

young,

pretty,

smart,

intelligent,

marathoner friend Annette (UGH...the list could go on, and on...)

and I finally were brave enough to actually "show up" at our first ever sprint triathalon...

Well, I guess I should say that I was brave enough to show up...

and here's how it went down...

The weekend before I finally borrowed a bike and a wetsuit, because quite frankly...

why purchase these items if you don't really know what to expect,

or if you will even toy with the idea of doing it again.

She packed up her family and headed out to our house.  I had been " bugging" her for quite a while about practicing...I haven't been in any type pf "organized"event in quite awhile...and I needed a "run through" so to speak.  So, she finally obliged and made me happy... Once at our house, we set off to our "club" beach down the road...


We set up our tansion area on the docks...and headed down to the beach for our swim...

The practice went...ok...

Annette got a little "unhappy" swimming in open water...which is understandable when you haven't been practicing that way.  Not to mention we headed straight out to the rock and back which is approx a half mile...and you start to feel very "alone" out there...So, we decided to

keep with each other" the whole time... and we ended up making a more triangular route not too far out from the beach so that the distance out wasn't an issue...

No problem coming in from the water...we trotted up the steps taking off our caps, goggles and wet suit, ( much better than putting it on btw) and transitioned straight to the bike!  sunglasses, helmet on...and off we went. 

We biked for bit gaging the mileage from our garmins and then headed back to the beach to transition for the run. 

Bike parked, helmet off...and off we ran!

Now...this was just a "practice" really for the transition stages.  I for one, was not looking to go all out and hurt myself, especially since I wasn't cleared to do it...and Annette wasn't at all interested in interupting her marathon training by injuring herself on a sprint tri that we were doing "just for fun"...so, our distances stayed much shorter and our efforts at an enjoyable pace...

Perfect!

OK...now...Race day!

let's just say that one maybe shouldn't sip consume a drink or two...or three... the night before a race...

but this was only for fun...

and I was nervous as all get out!

 I mean, after all...I haven't raced in over 2 1/2 or 3 years...

 and I have never done a tri...

What

Was

I

Thinking???

The alarm clock went off at 4:15...

UGH, why did I have those beverages?

I got up...
hydrated myself as best I could...
 and made a VEGA shake...

I decided to drive alone and meet her there...I wold have had to leave much earlier than I needed to if meeting up with her to drive alone...and I am a big girl!  I only called her about 4 or 5 times along the way to calm my nerves...but all she did was laugh out loud and make me more nervous.  She thinks I'm competitive...Jeez!

When I pulled up into the parking lot, let's just say that she is standing in the middle of it, just laughing and everyone around her is looking at her and laughing too! 

I pulled up next to her anxiously and went to get out of my car. 

But...I couldn't get the keys out. 

Now, we were a bit late,

and EVERYONE was alreading heading to the transition areas for marking up, setting up etc...

and we weren't even out ofour cars yet! 

 I kept trying to get the keys our for a few minutes...

but they were stuck, and I was getting more nervous!

So, Annette got in and tried for awhile..

but they still wouldn't come out! 

Well...now we are both laughing with nerves

and I am trying NOT to PEE my pants from it...

so, I did what any mature, smart, and independent female would do...

I called my husband! 

And Dave calmly asked me one single question...

"Honey?  Did you put the car in park?"
Really???

God, I love that man!!! 

Getting marked up was fun...

everyone was in a good mood and music was playing! 

 I didn't like my age of 44 being marked all over my calf,

but then I did notice that I used others ages constantly during the race to push myself...

so I get it!!

Now...the setting up part...
what a nightmare!
  I wasn't in Annette's transition area because of our ages...did I mention she is a youngin???
Isn't everybody these days???

So...I was on my own.  And, we had gotten there late!  My rack looked entirely taken up, and on one seemed to care that I was trying to figure out what to do.  finally, two women told me that I had to put my bike in a cetain spot, and that I was to set up my area under my front tire...front tire?  It didn't look right to me...that would mean you had to run around to get your bike off...but they wouldn't move...nor did they want to hear about it.  So, I waited until what any mature woman would do, and I waited until they left and fixed it up the way I wanted.  Once they walked back, I told them that someone from the event told me we were all to set up under our rear tires and to make sure to tell everyone in my area that hadn't done that...so, they had to move...and they didn't look happy...but hey, don't shoot the messenger...

 Here is the story in pictures...

<><><><><><>

obviously still trying to hydrate...

<><><><><><> <><><><><><>

Now she's stealing my water...and still laughing at me!

I think I'm either praying...or trying NOT to throw up...

Annette

I just think this is such a cool pic!

getting ready...and thinking out my strategy...
swim is the only thing that doesn't hurt me right now!!!



I'm off...



got right in front ...

moving ahead...but I lose my steam...

coming out of the water...slowly...a close third out of my wave...
but I passed many of the boys in hte wave ahead of me ;)



transitioning...slowly...what am I thinking?...



never again will I drink...



coming out of T1...I love the band ptill playing in the back...



And, I'm off again...

Getting my bearings on a borrowed bike...



coming into T2...my feet are numb...wierd...

Taking off for the run...





Annette closing in on the finish line...

Crossing the line...

Afterwards...thinking, "how cool we just did this?"

Watching and listening to the awards ceremony...
we really just wanted our cooler of mimosas!

Seriously??? they called my name?



I placed third in my age group...

I'm thinking, I don't know you...but I'm gonna beat you next time!!!


So there you go...one more item crossed off the Post-Op bucket list!

Here are my splits listed below for anyone who would like to analyze them...(Ahem, Mike, Ahj, Michael, Kepa...and all you tri-athletes out there...)

88	Jennifer	Charney				40	F	47:13	126	1st	7:29	186	1:54	85	14:58	92	1:09	118	21:44	149
276	Riquette	Cohen				42	F	47:20	129	2nd	7:21	172	2:48	159	15:26	110	1:09	122	20:38	118
278	Caroline	Cummings				44	F	47:44	133	3rd	6:08	89	3:24	217	16:41	167	1:04	94	20:29	113

Next up......

News of my MRI results and doctors visit in the city ...

have you ever gone into something haphazardly

and ended up being annoyed that you didn't actually "win??"