I feel I'm on a Roller Coaster...
One minute I'm up on top, near the sky...
so close I think know I can touch it...
The next, I'm, spiraling down, out of control,
not at all enjoying the feeling in my stomach as I try my hardest not to throw up...
I use to love roller coaster as a child...and sometimes I still do...
When I decide to ride them!
As many of you know i have been anxiously awaiting having another MRI on my hip.
10 months post-op, and still things just ain't quite right!
Lots of pain...still...
I have done some things along the way which I shouldn't have...
but only if you test yourself can you truly understand, or evaluate the outcome...
at least that's how I work...
I have had many great first moments along the way, and many disappointments as well.
I have been patient,
diligent
cooperative,
serious,
positive,
frustrated,
defeated,
courageous,
hard-working,
reflective,
understanding,
confused,
but most of all...hopeful
Hopeful that every time I trek back into NYC my results
will
be
normal...
Normal...is there really such a thing? I sometimes wonder...
My surgeon left the room to send me across the hall for more x-rays and to look over all my images, but only after he came in to work with me a bit. There are certain strength and ROM tests that are indicative of one who is progressing at a "normal rate." I clearly did not show that...at all!
When asked to lift up your leg and hold it while one pushes down on it is one of the first things to be done. Not too hard right? Only one problem...I cannot, still, lift my leg off the table while lying supine...too weak, and too painful. Major red flag! There were other tests that he did, pushing into and away from his hands, certain ways he moved my hip etc that all showed major sign of weakness, pain and discomfort.
And that is when he left to study the images taken that morning...
and came back in with 4 other people...
My results came back absolutely...
perfect...
Normal!
So, why did we all look so confused?
I have to say, I really was dumbfounded! I had been extremely nervous all morning about this appointment. For those of you that know me...I am quietly nervous, and tend to be a non-reactor initially. I take things in, reflect upon them, question them and then come to terms with it.
I was nervous because quite honestly, what is worse?
finding out something is still wrong...
or finding NOTHING AT ALL?
This didn't make sense to any of us...they started investigating further, talking to me about my original injury, what I had done along the way before ever coming to them. They pushed and prodded and pulled and tugged. Then, he asked about numbness...tingling...and it went from there.
Upon observation, it showed that when asked to tighten or use certain muscle groups surrounding the hip joint...I couldn't. I clearly used only my left leg when both legs were involved...(which may explain the problems arising in that hip and leg as well)...or I used other muscles on the right side to compensate...or nothing at all because the pain has become pretty intense. And what is the most interesting, or frustrating, is that the pain is in the exact same areas as it was before surgery...
They went on and on talking about something completely over my head...
but not really "talking to me", but "questioning each other"...
He said, "the reason you are so confused is becasue quite honestly we are too!"
he continued to explain it to me like this...
"Caroline, We are like the mechanics...we find what's broke, and we go in and fix it...like in a car. And, the MRI shows just that. there is no swelling, no extra fluid inside the hip joint, the anchors are intact
and the cartilage looks perfectly healthy. Actually, if I wanted to look at show anyone a post-operative hip arthroscopy MRI, it would be yours...because it is perfect!
but, like in a car, it's not just the parts that need to be fixed...but the computer part needs to work as well...for it to run or "function" properly. Your computer isn't getting the appropriate messages to your parts. so, it's still not working, functioning, or allowing your pain to go away. It's all nerve related...so we believe! and yes, that can cause great pain, as well as problems for your hip along the way...because your muscles aren't supporting it. Your muscles simply aren't "firing!"
So...
this is where I'm at.
I could go on and on and talk about my reaction...or lack thereof...my complete confusion and dumbfoundedness...but there is no need. I am sure you can figure that out on your own. He did take the time to address how astute my current PT was and how he was right to observe such a distinct problem with my progress...that it was right of him to call and request more images taken...how he knows that I am in good hands and being taken care of in that aspect...how this is NOT the norm of recovering patients, but every body is different and heals in different ways and time frames...That this will take awhile and that I have to be patient...but if they can pinpoint where the problems lie...then it is treatable!
I have been referred to 2 of his specialists that deal with these issues...In the Neurology department.
I am having a Nerve Conduction Test on August 6th (we are heading for KY and then OBX and will be away for 3 weeks)...you can read more about what that test is like here. 2 days later I will head back in to see this doctor, unless the results warrant otherwise.
But, for now...absolutely NO RUNNING...again...
not that I was ever officially cleared in the first place...
because I wasn't...
it was causing a great deal of pain, during and after...
but I was doing...
achieving...
participating...
feeling alive again...
feeling like I was on top of the roller coaster...
brave...
weightless...
exhilarated...
and free...
Now?
I feel like I'm falling...
dropping...
out of control...
scared...
confused...
depressed...
and wondering, will I ever hit the bottom?
I'm scared to hit the bottom...
I don't want any pity...I have a wonderful life...and I know there are worse things in life...
I should feel lucky...
But, Help me out here...I am feeling defeated...and hopeless
How many deep breaths can you take...
before you run out of breath?
