I'm all "Nerves" at the moment...

I just read one of my favorite blogs...and he dropped the "F-Bomb"...

so now it's my turn...

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy...

WTF is that?

Desensitization???  I am one of the most sensitive people you will ever meet.  I am always thinking of others and putting them before me, almost to a fault at times.  My actions are very telling of how I feel about others around me.

Flight over Fight???  For those of you that know me...I have never been one to give up a fight or quit!  I am a huge competitor, again by fault...and I don't like to lose...ever!  And for those of you that don't know me...Unless my actions would purposely hurt someone I care about, I would fight till the end!!

Pissed off???  Angry???  I would never use those words to describe me.  When I get upset I usually end up in tears because my feelings are hurt...Juvenile, I know...but true!  I get aggravated...frustrated...but never pissed off or angry...it doesn't get me anywhere in the end!

Weak???  Never!!  I refuse to be!!

how can these qualities be the cause of what's going wrong with my recovery? 

How could someone like myself let these negative characteristics take over...

or better yet...win?

How could I ever have the nerve to let this happen?

Results of my EMG, or Nerve Conduction Test, and a long consultation with several doctors whom I was referred to, have come up with this "diagnosis" I guess you would call it.  The nerves surrounding my hip joint are "angry, and desensitized...causing my muscles to not function properly or "strengthen" as they should.  This, they say, is causing all the strange sensation, tingling, numbness weakness and pain! 

There is no known medical reason for why this happens apparently...and when it happened is another question that cannot be answered.  My surgeon believes it happened when he placed my leg into traction during my hip arthroscopy.  However, this other doctor, who hahppens to be the director of Education and Research for Pain management at the Hopital for Special surgery,  says it very well may have happened from the initial trauma or injury.  It is very hard to tell...It is very specific to each individual person and how their bodies react to pain.  I am 1 out of 4 patients that this has happened to after surgery...out of over 4,000 surgeries of this type performed by him.  Remember, this is a relatively new surgery...and his statistics are almost perfect!  I have no doubt that I have had the "best care" around!  I've always hated statistics btw...

But...not everybody I trust in my recovery is buying into this latest thinking...

and I am nervous about it!

I almost feel like I am "in the middle"

I don't like being in the middle...

Nonetheless, tomorrow morning I am heading back into NYC.  My fourth trip within the last 2 weeks in regards to this new situation.  I am scheduled for a Lumbar Sympathetic Block on the right side...

anyone ever had one before? 

It doesn't sound very fun...

and I HATE NEEDLES!!! 

I will be given an IV, as well as Antivan...they want me calm, yet awake.  It sounds similar to an epidural, only a bit higher.  The needle will go through the spine towards the inside section where these certain nerves are located that are  directly related to the specific areas of weakness.  The hope is that this will "quiet" the nerves for a short duration which will lessen the pain and allow me to work on strengthening these specific muscles.  Once the muscles are stronger...they will start supporting the joint better, and the pain should go away...

But will it?

I am trying to not think about it, or care...trying to "desensitize" myself to the thought of this procedure...

I want nothing more than to "fly" away from all of this...I have grown tired of the "fight"...

I am a bit "pissed off " that my body can't just heal itself normally, like other people.  Remember, I hate losing.  I am "angry" that not everyone I need on my side is in agreement...

I feel "weak" because I feel defeated...once again...

But I'm doing it anyway...

and boy am I nervous!

did I mention I HATE NEEDLES???





Answers...Unanswered...

I feel I'm on a Roller Coaster...

One minute I'm up on top, near the sky...

so close I think know I can touch it...

The next, I'm, spiraling down, out of control,

not at all enjoying the feeling in my stomach as I try my hardest not to throw up...

I use to love roller coaster as a child...and sometimes I still do...

When I decide to ride them!

As many of you know i have been anxiously awaiting having another MRI on my hip. 

 10 months post-op, and still things just ain't quite right! 

Lots of pain...still...

I have done some things along the way which I shouldn't have...

but only if you test yourself can you truly understand, or evaluate the outcome...

at least that's how I work...

I have had many great first moments along the way, and many disappointments as well. 

I have been patient,

diligent

cooperative,

serious,

positive,

frustrated,

defeated,

courageous,

hard-working,

reflective,

understanding,

confused,

but most of all...hopeful

Hopeful that every time I trek back into NYC my results

will

be

normal...

Normal...is there really such a thing?  I sometimes wonder...

My surgeon left the room to send me across the hall for more x-rays and to look over all my images, but only after he came in to work with me a bit.  There are certain strength and ROM tests that are indicative of one who is progressing at a "normal rate."  I clearly did not show that...at all! 

When asked to lift up your leg and hold it while one pushes down on it is one of the first things to be done.  Not too hard right?  Only one problem...I cannot, still, lift my leg off the table while lying supine...too weak, and too painful.  Major red flag!  There were other tests that he did, pushing into and away from his hands, certain ways he moved my hip etc that all showed major sign of weakness, pain and discomfort. 

And that is when he left to study the images taken that morning...

and came back in with 4 other people...

My results came back absolutely...

perfect...

Normal!

So, why did we all look so confused?

I have to say, I really was dumbfounded!  I had been extremely nervous all morning about this appointment.  For those of you that know me...I am quietly nervous, and tend to be a non-reactor initially.  I take things in, reflect upon them, question them and then come to terms with it.

I was nervous because quite honestly, what is worse? 

finding out something is still wrong...

or finding NOTHING AT ALL?

This didn't make sense to any of us...they started investigating further, talking to me about my original injury, what I had done along the way before ever coming to them.  They pushed and prodded and pulled and tugged.  Then, he asked about numbness...tingling...and it went from there.

Upon observation, it showed that when asked to tighten or use certain muscle groups surrounding the hip joint...I couldn't.  I clearly used only my left leg when both legs were involved...(which may explain the problems arising in that hip and leg as well)...or I used other muscles on the right side to compensate...or nothing at all because the pain has become pretty intense.  And what is the most interesting, or frustrating, is that the pain is in the exact same areas as it was before surgery...

They went on and on talking about something completely over my head...

but not really "talking to me", but "questioning each other"...

He said, "the reason you are so confused is becasue quite honestly we are too!"

he continued to explain it to me like this...

"Caroline, We are like the mechanics...we find what's broke, and we go in and fix it...like in a car.  And, the MRI shows just that.  there is no swelling, no extra fluid inside the hip joint, the anchors are intact

and the cartilage looks perfectly healthy.  Actually, if I wanted to look at show anyone a post-operative hip arthroscopy MRI, it would be yours...because it is perfect!

but, like in a car, it's not just the parts that need to be fixed...but the computer part needs to work as well...for it to run or "function" properly.  Your computer isn't getting the appropriate messages to your parts.  so, it's still not working, functioning, or allowing your pain to go away.  It's all nerve related...so we believe! and yes, that can cause great pain, as well as problems for your hip along the way...because your muscles aren't supporting it.  Your muscles simply aren't "firing!"

So...

this is where I'm at. 

I could go on and on and talk about my reaction...or lack thereof...my complete confusion and dumbfoundedness...but there is no need.  I am sure you can figure that out on your own.  He did take the time to address how astute my current PT was and how he was right to observe such a distinct problem with my progress...that it was right of him to call and request more images taken...how he knows that I am in good hands and being taken care of in that aspect...how this is NOT the norm of recovering patients, but every body is different and heals in different ways and time frames...That this will take awhile and that I have to be patient...but if they can pinpoint where the problems lie...then it is treatable! 

I have been referred to 2 of his specialists that deal with these issues...In the Neurology department.

I am having a Nerve Conduction Test on August 6th (we are heading for KY and then OBX and will be away for 3 weeks)...you can read more about what that test is like here.  2 days later I will head back in to see this doctor, unless the results warrant otherwise. 

But, for now...absolutely NO RUNNING...again... 

not that I was ever officially cleared in the first place... 

because I wasn't...

it was causing a great deal of pain, during and after...

but I was doing...

achieving...

participating...

feeling alive again...

feeling like I was on top of the roller coaster...

brave...

weightless...

exhilarated...

and free...

Now?

 I feel like I'm falling...

dropping...

out of control...

scared...

confused...

depressed...

and wondering, will I ever hit the bottom?

I'm scared to hit the bottom...

I don't want any pity...I have a wonderful life...and I know there are worse things in life...

I should feel lucky...

But, Help me out here...I am feeling defeated...and hopeless

How many deep breaths can you take...

before you run out of breath?

My 2012 TrIslip Recap...

Well...What can I say? 

WE did it! 

my good,

young,

pretty,

smart,

intelligent,

marathoner friend Annette (UGH...the list could go on, and on...)

and I finally were brave enough to actually "show up" at our first ever sprint triathalon...

Well, I guess I should say that I was brave enough to show up...

and here's how it went down...

The weekend before I finally borrowed a bike and a wetsuit, because quite frankly...

why purchase these items if you don't really know what to expect,

or if you will even toy with the idea of doing it again.

She packed up her family and headed out to our house.  I had been " bugging" her for quite a while about practicing...I haven't been in any type pf "organized"event in quite awhile...and I needed a "run through" so to speak.  So, she finally obliged and made me happy... Once at our house, we set off to our "club" beach down the road...


We set up our tansion area on the docks...and headed down to the beach for our swim...

The practice went...ok...

Annette got a little "unhappy" swimming in open water...which is understandable when you haven't been practicing that way.  Not to mention we headed straight out to the rock and back which is approx a half mile...and you start to feel very "alone" out there...So, we decided to

keep with each other" the whole time... and we ended up making a more triangular route not too far out from the beach so that the distance out wasn't an issue...

No problem coming in from the water...we trotted up the steps taking off our caps, goggles and wet suit, ( much better than putting it on btw) and transitioned straight to the bike!  sunglasses, helmet on...and off we went. 

We biked for bit gaging the mileage from our garmins and then headed back to the beach to transition for the run. 

Bike parked, helmet off...and off we ran!

Now...this was just a "practice" really for the transition stages.  I for one, was not looking to go all out and hurt myself, especially since I wasn't cleared to do it...and Annette wasn't at all interested in interupting her marathon training by injuring herself on a sprint tri that we were doing "just for fun"...so, our distances stayed much shorter and our efforts at an enjoyable pace...

Perfect!

OK...now...Race day!

let's just say that one maybe shouldn't sip consume a drink or two...or three... the night before a race...

but this was only for fun...

and I was nervous as all get out!

 I mean, after all...I haven't raced in over 2 1/2 or 3 years...

 and I have never done a tri...

What

Was

I

Thinking???

The alarm clock went off at 4:15...

UGH, why did I have those beverages?

I got up...
hydrated myself as best I could...
 and made a VEGA shake...

I decided to drive alone and meet her there...I wold have had to leave much earlier than I needed to if meeting up with her to drive alone...and I am a big girl!  I only called her about 4 or 5 times along the way to calm my nerves...but all she did was laugh out loud and make me more nervous.  She thinks I'm competitive...Jeez!

When I pulled up into the parking lot, let's just say that she is standing in the middle of it, just laughing and everyone around her is looking at her and laughing too! 

I pulled up next to her anxiously and went to get out of my car. 

But...I couldn't get the keys out. 

Now, we were a bit late,

and EVERYONE was alreading heading to the transition areas for marking up, setting up etc...

and we weren't even out ofour cars yet! 

 I kept trying to get the keys our for a few minutes...

but they were stuck, and I was getting more nervous!

So, Annette got in and tried for awhile..

but they still wouldn't come out! 

Well...now we are both laughing with nerves

and I am trying NOT to PEE my pants from it...

so, I did what any mature, smart, and independent female would do...

I called my husband! 

And Dave calmly asked me one single question...

"Honey?  Did you put the car in park?"
Really???

God, I love that man!!! 

Getting marked up was fun...

everyone was in a good mood and music was playing! 

 I didn't like my age of 44 being marked all over my calf,

but then I did notice that I used others ages constantly during the race to push myself...

so I get it!!

Now...the setting up part...
what a nightmare!
  I wasn't in Annette's transition area because of our ages...did I mention she is a youngin???
Isn't everybody these days???

So...I was on my own.  And, we had gotten there late!  My rack looked entirely taken up, and on one seemed to care that I was trying to figure out what to do.  finally, two women told me that I had to put my bike in a cetain spot, and that I was to set up my area under my front tire...front tire?  It didn't look right to me...that would mean you had to run around to get your bike off...but they wouldn't move...nor did they want to hear about it.  So, I waited until what any mature woman would do, and I waited until they left and fixed it up the way I wanted.  Once they walked back, I told them that someone from the event told me we were all to set up under our rear tires and to make sure to tell everyone in my area that hadn't done that...so, they had to move...and they didn't look happy...but hey, don't shoot the messenger...

 Here is the story in pictures...

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obviously still trying to hydrate...

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Now she's stealing my water...and still laughing at me!

I think I'm either praying...or trying NOT to throw up...

Annette

I just think this is such a cool pic!

getting ready...and thinking out my strategy...
swim is the only thing that doesn't hurt me right now!!!



I'm off...



got right in front ...

moving ahead...but I lose my steam...

coming out of the water...slowly...a close third out of my wave...
but I passed many of the boys in hte wave ahead of me ;)



transitioning...slowly...what am I thinking?...



never again will I drink...



coming out of T1...I love the band ptill playing in the back...



And, I'm off again...

Getting my bearings on a borrowed bike...



coming into T2...my feet are numb...wierd...

Taking off for the run...





Annette closing in on the finish line...

Crossing the line...

Afterwards...thinking, "how cool we just did this?"

Watching and listening to the awards ceremony...
we really just wanted our cooler of mimosas!

Seriously??? they called my name?



I placed third in my age group...

I'm thinking, I don't know you...but I'm gonna beat you next time!!!


So there you go...one more item crossed off the Post-Op bucket list!

Here are my splits listed below for anyone who would like to analyze them...(Ahem, Mike, Ahj, Michael, Kepa...and all you tri-athletes out there...)

88	Jennifer	Charney				40	F	47:13	126	1st	7:29	186	1:54	85	14:58	92	1:09	118	21:44	149
276	Riquette	Cohen				42	F	47:20	129	2nd	7:21	172	2:48	159	15:26	110	1:09	122	20:38	118
278	Caroline	Cummings				44	F	47:44	133	3rd	6:08	89	3:24	217	16:41	167	1:04	94	20:29	113

Next up......

News of my MRI results and doctors visit in the city ...

have you ever gone into something haphazardly

and ended up being annoyed that you didn't actually "win??"

Surprise Packages, The Tooth Fairy, and Making up my Mind!!

Like I said...

I

Love

Surprise

Packages...

When I got home the other day from work,

there was a package on the kitchen counter...

and inside, I found these...

I had NO IDEA they were coming...

I love when these things happen!  I had been sent a box sample of regular Larabars earlier in the year to sample.  A simple, "Here are some Larabars for your  enjoyment! 

Please mention us on your blog if you'd like!"

Now, I have to say...I never got around to it. 

 I think Christmas came...

then New Years...

then Martin Luther King Jr. Day...

then Winter Break...

then St. Patrick's Day...

then Spring Break...

then another doctor's appt...

then my period...

then...

OK, I'll stop now.

So, I decided since I really have nothing "fun and exciting" in the running world to post about...

I will post about my surprise! 

 I didn't really think much of it...I just wanted to post "something"...

That is until I opened one up and tried it!

This was the one I had...

Cherry Cobbler

<><>

this is not my hand, nor my nails btw...
I never quite made it as a hand model...

So far, all I have to say is...

DOWN

RIGHT

DELICKY...

Much different than the original bars, which I do enjoy very much...however, these are much more appealing to me.  A Sweet and Salty Fruit and Nut Bar....kind of  like a trail mix bar with full nuts and fruits weaved into them.  there are 4 flavors...

Cherry cobbler

Apple Turnover

Bananas Foster

and

Roasted Nut Roll...

Cooper is fighting me over tasting this one...
I'm gonna have to "sneak"it into my lunchbox tomorrow...

Now...

more information and my complete review later as I have something extremely important to attend to at the present moment...

Another love of mine...

We are off to play "tooth fairy" tonight!!!

Congratulations Tanner on losing your first front tooth!!!

He obviously takes after his father...(ahem!)

Lastly...I love finally making up my mind...

I have decided to go ahead and participate in this...clearance or not!

Swim: 300 Meters.

Bike: 10K.

Run: 4K

TrIslip Super Sprint Triathlon

Bay Shore Marina Park, Bay Shore, NY 11706
June 17, 2012

I mean hell...I've already paid for it, right?

So...Annette...

are you ready for this adventure with the old gimp? 

 You really think I should get a bike so soon? 

I mean, I have almost 4 weeks til race day. 

 I swam on March 31st...

and I ran on Saturday...

OK, I had to stop 3 times to limp...but I'm just saying...

Oh...
and Happy Birthday Daddy
(a.k.a. Papa dick)...

I Love you

 

Have you ever gotten a "surprise box" delivered to you without you knowing why?

what kind of "Tooth fairy"things do you "witness" with your little ones?

Is anyone out there really stupid enough like me to participate in a sprint Tri without appropriate medical clearance  training ? 

Shhh...I can always walk it ;)